Fighting the Epidemic

With all the search for cures for the horrible diseases backed by millions of dollars of research, I find it surprising that there is no effort to fund the great exploration to defeat the fat monster. Almost everyday I hear about how Americans are fat. Yes, this is true, but does it really matter? If you are unhappy about your weight, then yes, you should do something about it. However, if you're overweight, but happy and content, why change? I think it is a lifestyle choice, some people enjoy physical activity and others would rather sit around all day. If I remember right, fat used to be the way to go because that meant that you didn't have to do shit due to your power. Again, this is a way of life. Actually, upon further consideration, completely disregard what I just said.

What's going on?! Why is all our money for research going to find the cure for cancer and AIDS?! I thought we all knew that the most important problem in the United States is obesity! We're the punchline for fat jokes worldwide and Dr. Phil can't stop the pain all by himself.

With so many fat people in one location on the earth, it is only a matter of time until the United States begins to sink into the ocean. At least we can take solace in the fast food restaurants' push to serve healthier food. There's nothing better than almost instantly prepared food that is good for you. Through extensive research of a Subway napkin, I found that Subway is much healthier than McDonald's and Burger King. Given this information, it is clear that McDonald's and Burger King are to blame for fat America. Who thought it was acceptable to sell sandwiches with over 500 calories? I don't know who you should believe, fast food places or Subway's napkins because they seem to contradict one another. I hope we get to the bottom of this quickly, but how are people supposed to stay fit after eating and returning to their sedentary jobs? Americans are gaining weight because their calorie intake is greater than their calorie expenditure. I know that's a hard concept to conceive, not everyone is a nutrition guru.

McDonald's, Burger King, and other guilty fast food restaurants must be unaware that obesity can lead to heart disease, stroke, and breast cancer. Fast food restaurants wouldn't sell cheap, unhealthy food just to turn a large profit. A two-pronged attack on obesity is a must. Fast food industries must be educated and individuals, led by Dr. Phil, must lose the weight. Action has already begun and the United States is already looking to the future and investing in the country's youth. There is a movement to take obese children away from parents. This operation sounds like a great idea, it will help get America's youth back to a healthy weight and teach parents a lesson. Parents love fast food for the same reason they love Walmart, it's cheap and convenient.

Speaking of obese children, I remember going to the movies about a year and a half ago. I went with some of my roommates from school and while we were waiting in line to get some POPcorn we spotted a particularly disturbing looking child. This kid was so fat that he looked like one of the humans in the movie WALL-E (if you haven't seen it, see it now because it's amazing!). I have no idea how this child could walk, actually, I don't know if he could walk. He was sitting down stuffing his face the whole time we were in line. Dr. Phil along with his Subway napkin could sure teach that child's parents a great deal.

I haven't seen my junk in years

The current wave of fatness should not be taken lightly, in fact, why don't we just make it illegal. If it's such a huge epidemic and we seriously fear for the people of our future we should just make it against the law. Just like murder fat is taking the lives of people. If these people can't clean up their act, throw them in jail where they can spend all their time lifting weights, getting in shape, and avoid being ass-raped. If we don't act on this soon, it won't be long before we're overtaken by fat.

And when we say somewhere else, we mean jail