Roommates: The Last Words

I've been a huge slacker on the blogging front lately, but now finals are over and I have no class to go to or job to show up for, so that creates time for blogging! This is going to be an interesting time in my life because undergraduate school and collegiate track are both over for me. I still have the actual graduation ceremony to go to this Saturday, which happens to be the same day as the Champions League final unfortunately, but it is strange to think college is done. I have to say I feel much the same way I did in high school, there were some fun times, but I'm ready to get the hell out of there and go do something different. I'm really hoping that finding a job won't be a huge pain in the ass, but if it is, I'm sure I'll at least get some good stories out of it. Looking back at the past four years I've spent in college I can see how my life has changed and how the people who are important to me have changed. For the most part I still stay in touch with my close friends from high school, which I am very pleased about, but the vast majority of people I knew then I rarely communicate with now. That might sound depressing, but it's not, because there are many new people that have worked their way into the closer circle of friends.

While I don't have 1,983,435 friends, the ones I have kept in touch with and the ones I have developed at school are relatively strong friendships, especially with a small group people (from high school and college) that I consider my best friends whom I will probably have communication with for the rest of life. What I'm not going to miss is tests, crappy group projects, and excessive alcohol/drug use. This brings me back to my roommates. I have been preparing for quite some time the last installment of the stupid shit that my roommates say, which can be found a little further down on this post. This installment is rather long, but it's the last one and I am so happy that I won't be subject to this stupid conversation any longer. I guess I do have to go back for one night before graduation, but it's basically over, thankfully.

In efforts to ignore the dumb conversations, I frequently listen to comedians.  Recently I've been listening to a larger variety of comedians including Luis CK. Louis is a funny guy, but one of his jokes summed up my roommates very accurately which made it particularly funny to me. Below is the joke, listen to it and you will understand my roommates better.



Annnnd here they are, the last contributions to the mini-series:

Actually I just jacked off... so I just gave up.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna f**k her.

It was just me and three freshman girls just rollin' up joints. It doesn't matter who's on campus.

Definitely shouldn't trust me.

Yo, I'm not pissed, but did one of you house my Butterfingers?

I might have messed this up if this girl thinks I'm lookin' at porn all the time. Which I might ... but this is not good.

It's gonna be so funny when I bang her and stop hittin' her up.

I hooked up with her once and now she won't talk to me.

I've made out with a girl 'til 5 or 6 in the morning. I just try to keep takin' her panties off. She kept sayin' no, but it only takes one yes.

My plan for tonight is to wait 'til like 10 and pound SoCo... and just get belligerently drunk.

Man, I skipped like mad classes this week. I wasn't even tryna skip.

What's that saying again? Beer before liquor get drunk quicker?

Honestly, she was talkin' like she just wanted to get dicked up

Dude, what do you think of these two girls? It's not usually my style, but look at that black girl's ass. It's actually kinda gross.

I have to keep my reputation as a douche bag.

That chick **** had no intentions of hookin' up with me. What a waste of time.

She won't sleep with me because I banged her f**ckin' roommate.

You wanna see this cannon we're about to smoke?

So pretty much, I'm gonna lose 20% of my grade.

I could call up that freshman chick ***. I don't think she likes me at all.

Does nap equal sex?

The plan was to let her smoke as much weed as she wanted... and that's it.

I've been real paranoid the last couple days. I was sittin' here on Saturday and a car pulled up to the fire lane and took a picture of the house.

I hate multiple choice because I can usually bullshit on a normal test.

Yo, you think I'm gonna be dirty now that I have golf shoes? (hooray for a different subject!)

I'm not smokin' 'til 4/20 so I can get super high.

Good luck not smokin'.

I think I'm done. I just don't feel like being this paranoid all the time.

Dude, I'm broke, I have no money. And my parents don't just give me money. (maybe I'll explain why this is funny, or you can just wonder)

My goal is to make it to last call at Rente's. I want to pick up some drunk sluts.

This girl, ****, wants me so bad. At first she wasn't texting me at all, but now she is all the time.

I am his mom. I'm Wiz's mom and dad.

Just don't do what I did, spend all your money and smoke a ton of weed.

Yo, Mike, where do you think would be a good place to find some sluts? ..... No, those are whores. I want sluts.

Dude, **** was givin' me some dirty looks in class today.

Her vagina is gross, too, it has some real disgusting parts.

I saw ****'s ex-boyfriend today and I'm even more perplexed. I don't understand why she won't f**k me.

I got a movie quote for you: "knock knock. Who's there? Go f**k yourself."

**** ruined my nest egg. She smoked my retirement fund.

Do you think that girls really have guy friends? Because she texts me like every day. Maybe I just come from a different class of guys.

Dude, be careful because I have a feelin' DPS is pullin' a raid on me on 4/20. If they raid me, it will be at like 5 in the morning, so we can smoke all day.

This girl is the biggest cockblock of all time. I think she's part clueless and part c**t.

What she said to me was I'm too nice. What I said to that: "wow, don't get that too often."

It really sucks, dude, cus you're gettin' pussy. So you can just wait it out. I'm not, so I'm just wasting time. It's just that... every time she texts me, I think I'm in.

You think you hooked up with a girl when she had a boyfriend? Yeah buddy!

Dude, India has nuclear bombs? Awww shit.

Those guys in the Middle East would, they're retards.

Damn, look at these f**kin' hot sluts.

No, I just wanna bang her. (answering the question "do you like her?")

I'm gonna shower and get ready for the day. Hit me up later. (at 6:57 PM)

You stayin' here tonight, ***? (Yeah.) We gotta find some sluts, dude.

I'm honest with girls. I don't want a relationship. Don't want 'em, don't like 'em.

I'll be out of the friend zone when I put it in her. I can tell she wants dick.

I don't smoke cigs. I only smoke cigs when I'm drunk.

I'm not a stoner.

My dick is sore from dry humping.

I got half a boner, I just woke up, and you're like "let's go to the gym, let's go to the gym."

If it doesn't go down tonight my balls are gonna be bluer than that solo cup.

I saw her come over here with that beer in her hand and I was like oh yes. Yes, yes, yes.

I was spitting some ferocious game that night.

I actually am gonna bust in like 2 minutes because I'm so built up.

I'm not gonna be real good at sex right now, but that's your fault.

How fast you bust depends on how into the girl you are.

This girl is gonna be devastated after I f**k her and I don't call her back. I don't give a f**k, there are only two weeks of school left.

I'm just tryna go to bed... and smash ... and not hang out.

I'm in my prime. I'm bangin' sluts all the time. Make-outs are in the hundreds.

Dude, it is so expensive to f**k.

You still tryna do coke tonight?

That's actually why I go to the library, to see if there are any girls I know. Hey, how you doin'? Can I sit here?

Yo, what's up baby? Can you suck my c**k tonight, please?

I'm gonna go all out. I'm gonna smoke up this girl **** on like 1,000 blunts and just f**k her. I gotta start goin' to the gym.

She looked really f**ked up. That's good right? I heard sex on vikenin is the best.

Check out this new cut I gave my pubes. It's stylin'.

Like last night I was pretending to study, but I was thinking I really want to f**k this girl.

It's gonna suck getting written up as an alumni.

That's what my dick was like when I was f**kin' that chick, not hard, but not soft.

Bozo's Sidekick

Yeah, *** still won't f**k me. I would do whatever I have to.

I don't know how I got so drunk last night.

My bad tryna fight that kid, I don't know what I was thinkin'.

I couldn't get the job done last night. Hopefully bang her next time.

Dude, I'm doin' so bad in school right now. I just got a 68 on my paper.

I thought when girls were on the rebound they just wanted ...

She fell asleep in the bed in her clothes, so I asked her to leave. (Did you bang her?) No, that's why I asked her to leave.

I skipped class, but I had a chance for some morning sex.

It's kind of funny to think about how much it costs to bang out chicks.

Doesn't it suck that it's harder to get a girl to f**k you if they actually like you?

I would also like to point out that roommate number two, Bozo's sidekick, or whatever you want to refer to him as, had a falling out with the person he was going to go to senior ball with. The falling out was because she wouldn't have sex with him. Last I knew he was just not going to go, but who knows what has happened since then. What a guy! To say the least, I am very glad to know that my time living in that house is coming to an end.

What's up next I don't entirely know. My family and I are going (we went out, I just haven't blogged in so long that I wrote this portion before we left) out to Washington (the state) to visit my sister who has been living out there for a little over a year now. Then I guess I'll be looking for a job. I'm excited to see what transpires, this is the time of life when you really start becoming independent. I think ideally I would get a job and live at home for a little while, if possible, to save money. I would like to get a job in the city and eventually get an apartment or something with some friends, that would be the ideal situation. Which city, I do not know, but I think the most important thing is to just get a job at this point.

Enough of this gay banter, though, there are more interesting things to contemplate. Actually, maybe there isn't. All I do know is that I don't have a job, this means that I have no income right now (thankfully I have actually managed to save some money over the years!) and my days are wide open. I can do whatever I want practically whenever I want. Yes, that does include looking for a job, though. Now that I think of it, my entire life is wide open right now. I don't have a job, so that means I have the freedom to apply to jobs wherever because I don't have any reason to stay here or go to any particular place. The other thing is that I have no girlfriend either. I have (or had, I'm not sure what tense to put this sentence in) a good thing going with a girl at school, but due to some circumstances (good circumstances if you care) I haven't been able to see her much and that's not going to change for a while at least, and possible forever. I might get into this topic some more given all the free time I'm going to have. So if you're at all interested be sure to check back. So at this point I have no idea what's going to happen in my life, but I plan on making it a fun ride!

The coolest Chinese Man ever!

Since I cannot go to sleep, which is why I decided to finish this at 2 in the morning despite the draft sitting in the post list for probably almost two months now (meaning why the hell haven't I finished this yet!), I'm probably going to start an article for Penultimate Round Pick on the man pictured above, Liu Xiang!