Moving On

I've fractured my ankle and taken a baseball bat with a weight taped onto it to the face, but neither of those injuries have the fatal blow of emotional anguish. In previous posts I have mentioned a girl that I have taken a liking to. A girl who once told me to introduce her to my parents as my girlfriend. A girl who I stayed in touch with while she was studying abroad during the past fall semester. A girl with whom I failed to see enough during my time in college. A girl who I was going to ask to be my girlfriend and I to be her boyfriend. This girl told me today that she was with someone.

I am by no means mad at her, but I am very sad. I can't help to think of what could have been. For the past few hours I had been debating whether I should blog about this or not because it is such a sensitive and personal subject. But looking back at past entries I can see how my life has unfolded since I began Sycophantic Laughter right after Thanksgiving of 2010. While this is not a happy day in my life, it is an important day for me, marking the third coming of the search for a girlfriend.

My face when I found out

This is the second time that I've liked a girl enough to think about asking them to be my girlfriend, and the second time that it has not worked out. Not only did I choose to blog about this as an important day in my life, but I find a comfort in blogging. This blog contains my thoughts, ideas, events in my life all written in my own words with my own feeling encompassed. With that said, it saddens me to miss out on an opportunity with this girl, I'll refer to her as "Mystery" so I don't have to keep typing "the girl" and out of respect because she deserves to have a name. I also choose the name Mystery because of my past relationship experience, mainly that I have never had one. That's correct, I'm twenty-two and I've never had a girlfriend. Given that I have never been involved in a relationship with anyone, my friends have always been interested to see who I choose. I can recall some friends imagining the characteristics of the girl they thought I would date, some good memories there. So I'll tell you about Mystery.

Mystery is one year behind me in school, she will be entering her senior year of college this fall. I met Mystery during my sophomore year in college because we attended the same university where we met through a common activity. Looking back on that year I remember Mystery asking me what I was doing on the weekend and telling me she was going to be all alone in her room bored on some nights. At that time I was too stupid to realize that maybe she was interested in getting to know me, what an idiot I was. Although, to be fair I was still attempting to work something out with the first girl that I ever wanted to date (from my high school), so I can't throw too much crap at myself for that. So that year ended with me just thinking of her as another nice person I had met during the year. She also had started dating someone else at the end of the year, so I just thought of her as a nice, new friend.

Upon arriving back at school my junior year I knew that I was not going to have any type of a relationship with my friend from high school who was going into her sophomore year of college just like Mystery. The first weekend everyone was back on campus I happened to see Mystery in the dining hall at breakfast. Actually, I didn't see her, but she and her friends spotted me as I was about to leave and they called me over. I heard my name and looked out into the depths of the dining to see Mystery waving and smiling at me. So I went over to say hello and she got up to give me a hug. We also happened to have a class together that semester which she was happy about. I saw her a few days later in one of the buildings at school and she came up to me to tell me how we could walk to class together and sit next to each other. Of course I had no problem with this, but I still wasn't really putting the pieces together that maybe she was interested, even if she did still have a boyfriend at the time.

Hugs make everyone feel good

So we did go to class together and sit next to each other. On most of those nights Mystery and I ate dinner together, too. Mystery and I would speak to each other quite often. I always enjoying speaking with her, she's very interesting and not shy to say what's on her mind. I remember her telling me about people she didn't like because they were rude to her and how certain things annoyed her, I distinctly remember her talking about her boyfriend to me once where she said "I don't even like him." That's verbatim, too. Eventually that day came where Mystery came to the home track meet and told me that I should introduce her to my parents as my girlfriend. I was really caught off guard by this and just laughed. I didn't introduce her and that could be a huge mistake that I am suffering from now. I saw her later that weekend in the dining hall again and she told me that she still needed to meet her boyfriend's parents. For some reason I just didn't ask her to be my girlfriend which has come back to haunt me. I'm noticing that I have developed a habit for waiting far too long to ask.

We're almost at present time now. Mystery studied abroad for the fall semester, but I kept in touch with her through social media (I found a good use for it, who would have guessed). She told me about how much she was enjoying herself and how she wanted me to cook dinner for her when she got back. So everything was well at this point, but when she did get back I never got the chance to make even one dinner for her. She got an internship and was rarely at school during the spring semester. I did manage to have lunch with her one day and have a coffee with her before the end of the semester. Now it's summer and Mystery got another internship offer in another state, not too far away though. I had been keeping in touch with her and today I got the news. Mystery told me she was with someone else. I don't know who that someone is, but if she's happy then I don't want to interfere.

What did I like about Mystery? Well she is a very nice person who holds her friends closely from what I can see. I think she is very easy to get along with and she's got a brain, too. Mystery is also very good looking, but she does it in a sophisticated way and there is so much more to her than merely her stunning looks. I've always felt comfortable conversing with her. Mystery is a lovely young lady with a promising future. I can't say enough about her, she's simply a wonderful person. She's also extremely outgoing and sometimes has a little too much, but she maintains herself well.

It's my loss really, I always wait until it's too late. I'm glad that she's happy, but it makes me feel down. I've only felt like this once before with my previous failure to develop a meaningful relationship and it is no fun. I don't really know what I'm going to do now, I have this strange empty feeling and I doubt I'll be able to go to sleep easily, but at the same time  I don't really want to do anything. This news combined with the stress of looking for a job is definitely taking a toll on me. I just feel useless right now. Maybe I just need some more cowbell, but I'm perplexed with my life right now. I wish Mystery the best. She still wants to be friends and I can't say no to that because I do like her and I don't want to completely severe ties with such a wonderful person. I could just really use a nice, warm hug right about now.

I don't know what's next, but I might actually have an interview sometime next week so hopefully I'll have some happy news soon. As a huge fan of soccer coach Jose Mourinho and Special 1 T.V. I've adopted the phrase "Be Champions" as a motto to live my life by. I think that everyone should be a champion. I don't care if you are a superstar, a person living a successful life, an aspiring future leader, or a crack pot smoker. Everyone should live their lives as a champion and I plan on handling this unfortunate situation as a champion. Mystery, I dedicate this entry to you and I wish you the best.