More Crap My Roommate Says

Here it is, the second installment of the things that come out of my roommates mouth! Another classic assortment of phrases. This list has been building up since the first post documenting his dialogue, about two months of material is in here. But you must remember, this is only a sample of what I have heard. I'm sure I've missed some gems, but this is still an entertaining collection. I really wish I had this idea way earlier. This could have been a great series, but I was too stupid to recognize the potential until about three months ago. Sometimes hearing this shit is funny, but sometimes it's the most annoying stuff in the world. I actually have very few conversations with two out of the three other guys I live with because I don't think anyone can have a normal conversation with the two of them. All they ever talk about is sex, drugs, and alcohol, which is technically a drug, so they really only talk about two things, two things I'm not very interested in discussing, at least with them. Their conversations lack any substance whatsoever, but it could just be that I'm strange.

When I come to think about it, there are actually a lot of days when I don't have much interaction with any of the people I live with. I'll have very brief conversations, but that's about it. I don't have the same connection with them as I do with many of my other friends. As I believe I mentioned at some point, all the people I enjoyed hanging out with at school, for the most part, graduated. But that's not the point of this post, the focus is the habits of my roommates. The roommate I'm deriving all these quotes from, code name Bozo, is the classic player. He likes to drink and have sex. I think there is more emphasis on the sex part, but drinking often goes along with that for so many different reasons. My other roommate, who I briefly referenced in the first installment, Things My Roommates Say, is kind of like his partner. He was that guy freshman year who wanted to try everything. This led him down an interesting path and he is now like Bozo, but with a very different personality. Basically the two of them want to have lots of sex. On Thursdays they often go to a local bar that is filled with people who go to the same school as us. The goal: interact with drunk girls and hope to score.

My other roommate I shared a room with sophomore and junior year, but now we each have singles. Actually, all four of us have singles now that one of our roommates moved out after the fall semester. He's the only one I ever have interesting conversations with. However, I don't really do anything with any of the people I live with. I think it sucks because I used to have fun sophomore year when I was living with people who had similar interests as me. We went to Monster Jam that year! The three of them always do thing together. Only my actual former roommate, the legend (inside joke alert), ever invites me along. Most of the time I decline because I'm not interested. They're always ordering out for food, which I sometimes take part in, but often they're picking up (if you don't know what I mean, then don't worry about it), or going out to get drunk and find girls to have sex with.

But without further rambling on about the people I live with, here are some of the things I've heard Bozo say over roughly the past two months:

Dude, I just found out I have two midterms tomorrow.

Wizzy boy, I love you so much. You're so good.

Buddy, you are getting played right now. I'm laying the pipe on your girlfriend right now.

We're thinking about hitting up Match.com to find some sluts.

I just wanna bring mad bitches back. That's my goal.

My career is gonna be f**kin' bitches. For the first couple of years. I'm gonna be the kid hittin' on all my coworkers.

Dude, I'm not gonna f**k bitches at my parents' house.

I would sleep 'til about two. Smoke some pot. Then go party. That's a stupid f**kin' question. I wouldn't work. I wouldn't do anything that constitutes a salary.

Dude, he's like f**kin' possessed. Look at him.

I wish there was a way to know if you're gonna get drug tested.

How the f**k am I supposed to trust you when you f**ked me when you had a boyfriend.

That girl who likes Anthony is sooo hot. (he will never get this)



When you see my f**kin' tan tomorrow, you are gonna be so jealous.

I've never been this addicted to being tan.

I'm gonna go another two hours tomorrow, just bronze. It's not as gay as going to a tanning booth.

She left a huge wet spot on my bed. It looked like a cum spot the size of a Frisbee.

I'm going to get a DUI. I'm gonna start a DUI fund.

I saw Alex today, walking into the gym with his f**kin' suit on. I saw his face and was just pissed off.

What he did is he's just the biggest vagina in the world. He just brings everyone down.

Take you and your mangina and get the f**k out of my townhouse.

Every girl we meet, we f**k, then we never talk to them again. We make it mad awkward. We burn bridges. We just f**k girls.

I think I'm gonna ask Heavy if he's gay. I would still chill with him if he was gay.

Do you think that was her first time getting it from the back? I don't think so.

She said she would try everything once.

Those kids are so excited to throw down.

Have you ever been in a situation where you're f**kin' a girl and you're just like, this is so gross.

I'm gonna text her "do you have any hot friends who wanna smoke?"

Would you have to go to California to bang girls like that?

Cops should treat criminals with more respect. Without them they would have no job.

Imagine if I had three grand, we could get three escorts in here.

If you get a girl with hot friends, you know, c'mon.

You shoulda had Juliet come up so we could have piped her.

She's either a lesbian or she loves black dick.

You wanna set the standard with your dick, no substitutes.

I've put my finger in a few girls' butts. It's like a Chinese finger trap. I would never think about putting my dick in there.

You got kicked out for punchin' a kid in the face? That's stupid.

It's ridiculous how many connects I have. One goes out, I have three others.

I'm thinkin' about just smokin' him in the face.

More bullshit, I should have expected that

So basically I have absolutely nothing in common with my roommates. I would not be the least bit surprised if I don't stay in touch with these guys at all once we graduate, even though I've lived with them for three of the past four years, and one of them for all four years. Hearing this stuff is funny, but only to an extent because I hear this everyday. I really think that Bozo and his protege are the people that all parents want their daughters staying away from. But I can't put all the blame on my roommates. Maybe they are the people that go out looking for drunk girls to have sex with, but the girls might be doing the same thing. So they deserve each other.

I also find Bozo's affection for the cat, Wiz, highly entertaining. I think he treats that cat with more respect than some of the girls he's been with. He just wants to get it in with them, but he tells Wiz what a good boy he is and how he loves him. He refers to the cat as his son. But when it comes to girls, other people, there's only one thing he wants. After he gets it, there's a good chance he'll never speak to them again. Certainly is an interesting life style, but I bet there are a lot of people in the world like him.

There's only a little more than a month left of school, but I'm sure that is plenty of time to compile more outrageous dialogue. You can count on me to continue listening, as if I had a choice, unless my ears begin internally bleeding from all this crap.