When I did spend a decently good portion of free time playing video games, the things I remember most usually revolve around me getting pissed. I have come to notice that when I get pissed at video games I tend to use select phrases to describe how I'm feeling. What I notice is that most of the expressions/phrases I use could be stuck straight into a porno, gay or straight. I have no idea why, but I'm going to share these expressions/phrases with you and describe the situations that I use them in. I whole-heartily hope you enjoy reading about my misery, because I sure as hell know I'm going to enjoy writing it.
The list and description of these horrible things I say, but mostly yell, at video games is in no particular order. Some I use more often than others, some are really offensive, I've uttered all of them multiple times, and nobody should take them seriously at all. Actually you can if you'd like, I don't really mind. I will start with one of my, if not most controversial, than certainly high ranking on the controversy list, angry video game outbursts:
This is worse than having cancer!
I'm behind the curve and below average social status (I might dedicate a post to this at some point) so it makes sense that I did not join the ranks of next-gen gamers until I was a sophomore in college when I finally purchased and Xbox 360. I got it just in time to go back to school for second semester and it was totally worth buying. My Xbox 360 was the third in our suite and now we could play Halo 3 and include everyone we lived with! Yes, it was amazingly fun, and yes, we played way more Halo 3 than we should have, but damn it was fun! This was also my first taste of playing online multiplayer games online since I played Red Faction online back in eighth grade on a computer. We played so much Halo 3 online that of course there were many, many moments that pissed me off immensely. When things weren't going my way and I was getting my ass kicked badly, for some reason I started saying "this is worse than having cancer!" I have no idea why I started saying that, but I did. That phrase was kind of a joke in itself because obviously no video game torture is worse than cancer. Or is it? That's up to you to decide.
I would typically start uttering this simply awful phrase when other shitf**ks online would start camping near elevator exits with the sword, when I would empty an entire assault rifle clip into someone just to have them continue prancing toward me and blowing my brains out with one shot from a shotgun while I was reloading, when I continuously got run over a vehicle, or when the map Valhalla was selected in matchmaking. I still hate that map to this day despite not playing Halo 3 since who the hell knows when.
Halo 3 will always have a special place with me because of the fond memories I have playing it with a such a great group of people. Well, most of them were great #insidejoke. Who was that person we said perfectly fit the term assclown? #insidejokeagain Halo 3 is also the only game that I have ever uttered the phrase "this is worse than having cancer," and I have never stopped myself from doing so in another video game. The thought of saying that has just never crossed my mind except when playing Halo 3. That means that Halo 3 pissed me off to levels before unknown to me that I have been unable to reach since then. I don't know if I'll ever play Halo 3 again, but I sure as hell will never forget it. Damn, I hated Valhalla so much. How great was the Spartan Laser, though? Really enjoyed that gun.
One last note about Halo 3 and how it will forever live on in my memory. Just to add on to the Halo 3 legacy, this one time when we were playing a game online we saw this guy on the other team with the gamertag Benedict Arnold. By the way, one of the best things about playing games online is seeing other people's gamertags. So anyway, there's this guy on the opposing team with the gamertag Benedict Arnold and he starts killing the other players on his team. So on the kill feed at the bottom of the screen I kept seeing Benedict Arnold betrayed so-and-so, Benedict Arnold betrayed so-and-so, Benedict Arnold betrayed so-and-so, until his teammates finally kicked him from the game! I need say no more, that was a classic moment in my video game history and another instance of Halo 3 that I will not forget.
And by the way, I did get Halo 4 and it is amazing! I am really enjoying the first Halo not made by Bungie. Congratulations 343 Studios, you did a great job, at least as far as I can tell right now. I have heard that there is a remake of the map Valhalla though I have not played it yet. But I have really enjoyed the online multiplayer gameplay, the Promethean weaponry is crazy! I'm nicknaming all the Promethean weapons the "raper" since that is exactly what they do to opposing players! And yes, it is amazing!
Constant Ass-rape
If you have been reading my blog for a decent amount of time, then you probably already have heard me refer to "constant ass-rape." I mainly use this combination of words when describing how I feel playing Fifa. Now let me first say that I have not felt the constant ass-rape nearly as painstaking in Fifa 13 as I have in Fifas 10-12. In Fifa 10-12 I always felt that when I had possession the computer operated team was relentlessly on a hellbent rampage after the ball carrier and constantly raping my players to win possession back. The player or position of the player did not matter, hell, I think the computer's attackers were far superior at stealing the ball from me than my defenders were at stealing the ball from them. My defenders felt like the imperial storm troopers. They were there, but they didn't do their job very well.
When I would play Fifa 10-12 I would constantly bitch and moan about how my players were always getting raped and barely ever received a foul for putting up with any of it. While Fifa 13 has certainly made defense better and my players are not always getting molested whenever in possession, I still very, very rarely get a foul call. I think all the referees in the game are racist against me.
Mainly I use "constant ass-rape" in reference to Fifa, but sometimes it's a good way to describe Call of Duty. I've been in some absolute f**k fests in Call of Duty. The games where I keep dying multiple times in a row because there is practically unlimited enemy air support lighting up the ground beneath it with heavy duty artillery really pisses me off. These situations I also call a constant ass-rape just because I can't f**king do anything. I die, respawn, get killed by some asshole using a f**king flying killing machine that is basically the harbinger of death, respawn, get killed by the harbinger of death again, and the cycle continues until the game decides that enough time has passed and the harbinger of death has to go away. The only problem is that it comes back. I trust that you are intelligent enough to know what happens when it comes back. But if not, a constant ass-rape.
Fu**ing F*gs
I yell/say this phrase in many volumes, tones, and levels of anger. First I would like to point out my use of the word f*g. I will always pen this word f*g in this blog because I'm an asshole, but I say it not in an offense way to people who swing the other way, you know, the crooked folk. I'm not a homophobe or anything, homosexual people do not bother me. I use the word f*g to describe those I do not like for an infinite amount of reasons. For video game purposes, a f*g is anyone who kills me in an online multiplayer game. I don't care if the person is better than me, if he or she started shooting me way before I shot at them, or any reason whatsoever, if they kill me, then they are a f*g. There is no reasoning with me, you'll just have to accept it. I hate dying in video games and they made me die, the f*gs. The same goes for anyone who scores a goal on me in Fifa, they are a f*g. Of course this only pertains to the unknown people I play online, occasionally a friend might score a goal on me or kill me, but they really have to piss me off in some way to make me give them the label. Whenever someone kills me or scores on me that I do not know, which is most of the time, I always tend to think of some fat kid with an increasingly expanding gut who is guzzling soda while downing Doritos and spends about 16 hours each day gaming. Damn, f*gs.
I'm Getting My Asshole Plowed!
When I'm getting absolute peppered by enemy opposition I describe this as "getting my asshole plowed." I think I adopted this phrase for this situation because of the endless penetration from seemingly each and every angle. This could be in an online game such as Halo or Call of Duty, or in the actual campaign of a game such as Borderlands. The enemies' relentless blasting can sometimes become unbearable, but without the struggle how can there be any fun? Of course there are instances in games such as the Dead Space series where you might actually get your asshole plowed by a necromorph that sneaks up behind you and cornholes you. So if you ever find yourself in my vicinity and here me talking about getting my asshole plowed, I can assure you there is no gay sex going on, I'm just getting peppered or cornholed in a video game. By the way, the word cornhole needs to come back, it's a great word.
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| I'm coming for your butt hole! |
Another spin of this phrase is "this guy is raking my butt hole!" I say this when there's that one f**ker who keeps killing me over, and over, and over again. This makes me so mad! I'm not quite sure why I use the word "rake," but for some reason I like that word. I also prefer the phrase "rake over the coals" as opposed to "throw under the bus." Maybe it's because more people refer to getting "thrown under the bus" by people who rat them out or something. I prefer "so-and-so raked me over the coals." I guess I just find it more original, though it means essentially the same thing. I like the imagery, too. Getting thrown over hot coals sounds like a very slow and painful means of torture while the train would probably end you almost instantly, in most cases I would think at least.
Get F**ked!
I tend to yell "get f**ked" when I get excited because I'm going on a mini rampage in an online multiplayer game or I finally killed that f**ker who has been plowing and or raking my asshole! I use the word "mini" to describe any kind of rampage I go on in an online multiplayer game because I suck and what I think is raping the other team is nothing to those people who play 16 hours each day. I would also like to point out how great the word "rape" is in video gaming. If anyone is wondering why people say they are getting raped or are raping in video games, I think it's because no one likes to get raped. No one likes to get dominated in a video game either, therefore he or she is getting raped. On the other hand, the person enjoying it is the enjoying it, thus they are the raper. They are bringing the pain. I realize this sounds horrible, but it's the best explanation I can come up with. Anyways, when I'm killing people online I like to say or shout "get f**ked!" I know that Chase can attest to this given our conversations over Xbox Live. This is one of my favorite video game sayings because it means I have gone and done good!
I had written a few other phrases down, but I'm going to end this here. I hope you have gained some insight into why I say or yell things at my television set whilst playing video games. I'm not crazy or really angry for that matter, it's a temporary feeling of rage and nothing to worry about. Sure I've made some holes in walls over the years, but that's about it. I've only hurt myself in minor ways. Finding that medium between a challenge and fun is very difficult. It's like medicine, it's not a science. Thank you, Dr. Spaceman.
I'm considering doing a series about the things that I say in given situations under certain constraints and what not. This is the first, and possibly last, installment of the series! I'm also thinking of taking up Chase's idea in starting another series entitled "Good Friday." I wrote a post back in 2011 about Good Friday, the Christian thing, when I was in the dining hall at school and some crazy girl in front of me told her friend on chicken nugget Friday that if she ate any meat she would go to hell. Chase told me it would be funny if I had tagged it "Good Friday" and it had nothing to do with the holiday, but rather it was a series of posts with that title. I like that idea, so maybe I'll do a Good Friday series where I will discuss who knows what. So many possibilities and just one piece of crap to make it all happen.
I wish all my readers the best! I don't know where I would be without all of you. Get it? Because barely anyone reads this. The explain the joke joke! It's hilarious! And as always, be champions.
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