Words of a Living Legend

Despite his retirement from professional soccer this past February, Ronaldo continues to amuse me off the field. Not only is Ronaldo my favorite athlete, but I absolutely love the way he carries himself. He's taken a lot of heat in his most recent years for his weight gain, but he still carries with him an extremely happy demeanor. Earlier this year Ronaldo weighed himself on television during some ceremony or gathering of some sort. The scale read that he weighed 73 kg (160 lbs.), which is 4 kg less than he weighed at the 1998 World Cup. The scale was rigged! He manages to have fun with with all the criticism.

Ronaldo no longer tears up the competition on the field, but he's still making headlines. Yesterday I found an article regarding the legend: Brazil Legend Ronaldo: Sex before matches does not affect performance. I have absolutely no idea how sex became the subject of conversation during an interview with a retired soccer player, but imagine what his life was like. He dominated in soccer and had sex. Those activities happened in the reverse order I wrote them, though. I remember hearing that Ronaldo first revealed this lifestyle during his playing days at Real Madrid. He believes that as long as he doesn't have to do all the work, then he doesn't lose energy for the game. He attributes his success to this lifestyle because it keeps him happy. Now that's an honest man.

If any other professional athlete were asked about how they prepare for games, I am willing to be that no one else would give an answer anything like R9's. They would probably speak about dedicated practice and focus to perform at top athletic levels. Ronaldo's answer: sex. The best part about the whole thing, you can't argue with him. All the goals he scored, awards he won, and scintillating play speak what words cannot. I think Ronaldo's personality is the most overlooked aspect of him as a person. He, unlike many other sports superstars in my opinion, really respects the sport of soccer. This past World Cup Miroslav Klose of Germany had a great chance to break Ronaldo's record of 15 goals scored in the competition. When Ronaldo was asked what he thought of the prospect of the German overtaking him he replied that he (Ronaldo) had his time and it would be great for Klose to set a new mark. He had no intentions of sending Klose a video of all his World Cup goals, Pele. He also never declares anyone else as his successor, Maradona. I think you get my point, who cares?

You know what this means

I first became a Ronaldo fan for his play on the soccer field, but he is much more than a soccer player. After a competition in which Ronaldo received a money bonus for, he decided to donate the extra earning to children with cancer because he did not need it. He chose cancer patients because they were bald like him. He might have got in a bad situation with some male prostitutes pretending to be women, but I'm over that. He certainly has put on weight, but I bet most people have way more body fat than he does, especially those that make fun of his weight issues.

Simply, Ronaldo will always be my favorite athlete of all time.

Ups and Downs: The Month of October

Usually the only thing I look forward to in October is playoff baseball, playoff baseball, and playoff baseball. I can't be disappointed, I'm watching playoff baseball right now! I've recently come to like the current Detroit Tigers team. Verlander is an absolute beast who won 24 games this year and had a 2.40 ERA. That's just dirty and he should win the Cy Young award. Not to mention that the guy throws harder as he gets deeper into the game, hitting speeds of 100 miles per hour in the late innings. I'm also amazed at how well Miguel Cabrera can hit despite his suspect off-field antics. Cabrera hit around .560 the last ten days of the season! However, the biggest draw I see to the Tigers right now is Doug Fister.

Doug Fister started the year with the Seattle Mariners, a franchise that has seen much better days. His ERA with the Mariners was 3.33, not bad, but his record was 3-12! I don't know how he managed to not get upset at his teammates for not scoring any runs for him, but he must have been expecting a lack of run support from the Mariners less than stellar offense. Fortunately for Fister, he was traded away to the Detroit Tigers where he absolutely dominated. Fister straight up fisted (if you will) the competition with the Tigers posting an 8-1 record with a miniscule ERA of 1.79. That's Pedro Martinez in his prime shit! If you can't appreciate that turnaround, then screw you. Not only is Fister dominating with the Tigers, but I really like/enjoy his name. Names don't get much better than Doug Fister. He's mister Fister! He shows up to work and puts a shirt on that says "Fister" on the back. I'm even tempted to get a Doug Fister shirt.

In the Mariners hat, double fist!

So Doug Fister is making October great! What's not cool about October: change of season. I don't like the fall or any season where the weather becomes cold or is cold. In fact, I don't really like the change of the seasons at all. I would prefer to live somewhere the weather is always warm. I don't need to see snow and I don't need to see leaves change color and fall all over the ground. Now that I'm thinking of the seasons, I realize that all the seasons I don't like not only are cold and uncomfortable, but also create more work for everyone. In the fall the leaves fall all over the place creating a giant mess that I would rather not deal with. Right now it is that time of year that I look up at the trees and think "you assholes better stay up there," but they never do and I have to drag my ass out and comb the ground with a rake. Sounds like paradise. And if that didn't suck, then winter comes in and throws white, cold shit at us. Now I have to wear forty layers of clothes so I don't get hypothermia and shovel. Then the plows come by and create the Great Wall of China in front of the driveway. Thanks, assholes.

The amazing thing about this particular October is the release of Batman Arkham City! The game comes out in six days! I absolutely (in the words of Barry Feinstein) cannot wait for this game. Fifa 12 came out last month, great game, and now Batman Arkham City is about to come out this month. How am I going to have time to do anything? I'm going to have to do some severe time management so I can learn "strategic terms," reasonably assure that I have completed my work, and write blog entries for school credit and play sweet video games. Or I could just tell all my professors to "go pound sand." #InsideJoke

The big event that occurs in October is Halloween. I remember Halloween as a little, blissful child. Halloween was great, I got to dress up like Batman and Spiderman, but I did that on a regular basis anyways. I never got any candy with razor blades in them either, which is a plus. Overall, Halloween was generally a good night. I remember celebrating Halloween in Brazil. We lived in an apartment complex, a nice one though. It was a gated-in community. My sister and I walked up tons of stairs in buildings to get candy, what a good workout before downing a bunch of candy. The whole event really evened out. Now I'm older and Halloween has a very different feel. Halloween is no longer an innocent trick-or-treat journey. Halloween is all about getting hammered in costume, well at least for most people. Costumes are a big draw here. I think it is hilarious that some people actually get multiple costumes so they can dress up differently each night. Just take a moment to think about that, it's funny.

From my experiences of Halloween, guys try to find costumes that are comical. Guys like to have funny costumes because we tend to look at most things as a joke and want to have a good time. But in reality, no one gives a shit what the guys are wearing. Halloween, for the older crowd, is all about what the girls are wearing. This point is what brings me to my question about Halloween. Here's the thing (#InsideJoke or you know someone that I live with at school), girls get the sluttiest costumes to wear on Halloween. I don't need to explain why this is more important than what guys wear, and if you need it explained to you, I'm not telling. Girls find Halloween costumes that expose their belly, show lots of cleavage, and just show a lot of skin in general. Guys love Halloween because girls dress up like sluts, girls love Halloween because of all the attention they get.

Just because I dress this way, does NOT mean I act that way

So, guys tend to like when girls dress slutty, like they do on Halloween. This is not a reason to commend and celebrate Halloween. Halloween is one weekend every year. That's two, maybe three, and four nights at the most that you get slutty apparel. That's four out of three-hundred and sixty five days on a good year! There are 365 days in the year, and you're only dressing slutty for 1% of them!

Now a bunch of people are going to say some stupid shit like "no way man, some girls dress up like sluts all the time." Yes, some girls do, but those are the ones that have been around the block and have lots of sexually transmitted diseases. Basically, they ARE sluts. I'm talking about the "good girls," the ones who are good students/citizens/suck-ups/a long list of other things. They go out on Halloween with their bellies and tits hanging out, too, with shorts that are shorter than my pencil. Why do you choose Halloween?

While on the subject, everyone should check out Dave Chappelle's take on how women dress. I need not elaborate on the point, watch the video below. Dave Chappelle, in the words of Chase Robertson, "is better at what he does than anyone will ever be at doing what they do." I agree with this statement, but I would include Ronaldo at the top of the list, too. He played forward better than anyone has or ever will. I had to include that because of my undying respect for what Ronaldo accomplished. Anyways, listen to Chappelle.

You're Addictied to Facebook if.... The Status Edition

If there is one thing that there is far too much of in the Facebook community, it is most definitely status updates. Recently I have somewhat abandoned the social networking world, most notably not signing into my Facebook account because I realized that I just don't give a shit. I have grown weary of excessive status updates, none of which give me any reason to read them. So many users of Facebook are clearly addicted to updating their statuses that it would not surprise me in the least if I discovered that some people spent hours upon hours trying to think of something witty or funny to post as their status. I guess if it helps you sleep at night, then go on and do it.

This is what I think of your "status"

If you are unsure if you are addicted to updating your Facebook status, there is an easy way to tell. There are a number of different types of updates that only addicts use. The first that comes to my mind when thinking of useless updates is the use of song lyrics. Can anyone tell me a reason for your status to be song lyrics because I can't think of any good reason. It's just simply pointless. Whenever I log in to Facebook and I see some shitty Kid Cudi or James Blunt lyrics I just want to stab myself. What is the point? Do you want to show people that you know the lyrics to the song or that you know how to look the lyrics up? Then the comments on these statuses are just as pointless: "i love this song!" Or some people fill in the next line or something, but either way it is completely pointless. I guess it's better than listening to those people try to sing the songs, though, but not by much.

It's so good! I need more now!

Status updates about random sports things also get very annoying. I don't give a shit about what you thought of the call or if you want to talk trash about Lebron James not having a ring. If I did care, I would speak to you about it. Sharing sports knowledge or opinions has become a staple for many males, and some females, on Facebook. If I really wanted to listen to shitty opinions about sports that I don't care about I'd watch ESPN more often. Everyone is a sports expert so why not share it on Facebook? I have wondered at times if some people watch sports now so they have something to update their status with. Of course I don't think anyone would actually admit to this, but I know these people are out there. Also, when I see these sports related updates, I think that person must be watching the game by themselves because why would they post their thought as a status update instead of speaking to their friends about it? Just because you have 3,454,998 Facebook friends doesn't mean you have 3,454,998 friends. I have my own opinions on sports, I share them with some people, and I take their point of view into account and totally disregard it later. I don't have a Facebook account to become a sports expert through my highly sport-intelligent "friends."

I wonder how many people I can offend in this article. I'm just getting warmed up, so if you haven't been offended yet, maybe this next status topic will get you. I know there are a lot of people guilty of this one, status updates regarding your daily schedule. Once again, I have no idea why people put their day to day schedule as their status. Does anyone really care? I see these and I think to myself "holy shit! I didn't know you went to class, too!" I don't need to know where you are going to be at certain times in the day, unless I want to key your car, rob your house, toilet paper your house, or call you (I'd definitely ever do that!). I don't care if you're going to the have class at 9:00 and 1:00 and after that you're going to the movies. If I needed to know that, I'd probably be speaking to you. You know what would be really creepy, if I just showed up everywhere you were going to be on a given day. Then you'd try to blame me, you shithead! Holy shit, you won't believe what I just found. Someone stick a sharp object up my ass. There's a webpage about how to create a successful status update. Maybe they should read my article, then they'll know how to not screw it up. Anyways, regarding the schedule thing, I don't think anyone really cares what I'm doing every waking moment of the day, so why does anyone think that I care about what they're doing? Well, maybe sometimes I want to know what you're doing because you sure as hell never do anything with me, but I still don't need a detailed schedule. I have class, too, I also eat and go to practice. Do you want to know when I'm taking a shit?

Don't make one!

I'm sure most will agree with me on this stupid and massively annoying update: the I'm going to bitch about everything in my life status update. We all have problems, I don't want to know about most people's troublesome relationships, how much their lives suck, or how they're unhappy about something. Stop trying to make me depressed, you asshole. You are definitely guilty of this one if you ever use "fml" in your status updates. Often I think of the "status bar" as the "bitch bar." I was very tempted to use actual statuses from my "friends" in this article to demonstrate my point, but I decided that was going too far. So my "friends," you are all very welcome. I have seen some good bitching status updates (as well as song lyric, schedule, and all the other stuff I'm about to complain about oriented updates) from my "friends." Maybe people like to vent all their frustrations to the online community ( I'm definitely not doing that right now), but I think on Facebook people just want others to feel bad for them. Well, I don't, I have problems and things quite frequently don't go ideally, but that doesn't mean YOU should know about it. Some people also like to make annoying hybrid status updates. That's when you bitch via song lyrics!

What's with all the quotes in statuses? Those are obnoxious, too. I bet people search for quotes to put as their status because there is no way in hell that so many people know all these different quotes. What's the point of these? I think people are trying to sound smart, but we all know you're just stealing the words of someone else, real original. You should also realize that everyone that sees these quotes are taking them completely out of context. No one knows what you're getting at all the time. I sign in and see "Why be a man when you can be success?" Yeah man, cool story. I'm going to go change the way I live now, I'm going to be success. I most definitely looked up that quote I used. I can get more! Oh wait, no one cares, and I don't care what quote you put in your status. No matter how annoying, how obnoxious, or how stupid people get on Facebook, there's always more technology based on letting people bother the hell out of me. Apparently AT&T is introducing the HTC Status Smartphone. You'd think that AT&T is trying to piss me off. Although, it's not like all the other smartphones don't have Facebook apps that let people post stupid status updates all day, every day already.

One more status update that I don't get why people do, except that they are addicted to Facebook and attention whores, is post statuses about stupid things they have done. That's the type of stuff you keep to yourself. Sometime I look at these statuses and think about how there's someone I need to sever ties with. I saw this one update a while ago where one of my "friends" said something about not being able to remember what happened in their life it wasn't for pictures. Now there's someone I want to hang out with. The list goes on and on. I cannot remember one time logging onto Facebook where I didn't see a status about some stupid shit. Don't tell me, and all your other 423.098.234.094 "friends" that you just got plowed in the ass, what kind of alcohol you're drinking, or that you just fell down the stairs or locked yourself out (i.e. something you keep to yourself).

I'm not going to elaborate on this subject anymore at this time. This post has been sitting in my drafts since sometime in July and I don't want to screw it up. I was on a serious hell-bent rampage and there is no way in hell that I will be able to recreate this state and continue to rip on Facebook users right now. That just would not be fair in the least bit to myself. However, I can and will do something. I, Toninho, announce that I am in the process of conducting a survey of my "friends" on Facebook! I am in the process of making sense of the data I have collected and it should be up soon! Hopefully...

Thank You, EA

I know that I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I'll take credit anyways. In my second post ever (yeah I know there are no pictures and it's boring) I bitched about how much I did not like the defending in EA Sports most recent Fifa games. The defense system annoyed me because all a person had to do was hold down the "A" button (I play on XBOX) and the defender would relentlessly pursue you until he won the ball. I refer to this as a constant ass rape. There is no way around this constant ass rape and it pissed me off. Well, it still pisses me off to this day, but thankfully in Fifa 12 the developers have gotten rid of this shitty defense system. I still suck at playing defense, but I don't get relentlessly hounded by every man on the pitch anymore. I know there is no way in hell that EA saw my article and thought "wow, this shithead is right," and then decided to reconfigure the defending system, but I'll take credit anyway. In the newest edition, or at least what I can tell from the limited time that I have actually played it, holding "A" down will help you stay near the man with the ball, but the person playing must actually get in close and press "B" to attempt stealing the ball or tug at the possessor's shirt. Tugging on shirts, another thing that is an absolute must in soccer simulations! No one plays soccer without grabbing the oppositions' garments! I applaud EA for making this change to the defense system, I think it's the best thing they've done in years, and that's saying something considering how great the Fifa franchise is.

I guess you can pull your own uniform, too

Speaking of soccer, I am still baffled that so many Americans can watch other sports and think soccer sucks. Now that I am following/watching soccer again, I can barely watch any other sports. Soccer doesn't catch on in the United States because there is no time for commercial breaks (they play continuous halves, leaving halftime as the only time for commercials) and the players don't have to wear equipment to compensate for getting drilled. Not to mention that many sports are just a rip off of soccer with a weird spin thrown on them. Instead of using feet, we'll use hands. Instead of scoring goals, we'll score baskets/touchdowns (or you will score goals if you're playing hockey).

I'll have to dedicate more time to why sports that aren't soccer suck, I have a lot of reasons. The intolerance of soccer fueled these reasons, but I can't go back now. What a coincidence, I was going on about how much I like what the creators have done with Fifa 12, and who would have guessed, I just got it in the mail today! What a coincidence. I've only played two games thus far, but the game is great. The actual soccer game play gets refined a little bit each year making each installment more realistic than the last. I guess they have to do something like that or else no one would buy the newest edition. So far the only thing I really do not like about the game has absolutely nothing to do with the game play, graphics, or anything like that. What bothers me is that the Turkish soccer league has not been included in Fifa 12. I have played extensively as the club Fenerbahce in the past two Fifas and greatly enjoyed it. Fenerbahce has a great team and an exquisite player, Alex, on it that I love to play with. Alex, a Brazilian midfielder, is in my opinion the most underrated player in all of soccer and I can no longer play as him or his team.

Alex, the most underrated and unknown

I really don't get why Alex (de Souza) doesn't get called up to the Brazilian national team either. He was a captain at one point, then suddenly he just never gets called upon. Something is fishy there. He definitely deserves more recognition and a spot in Fifa 12. He's a goal and assist machine, if he isn't scoring the goals, then he's setting his teammates up. One year when Fenerbahce were in the Champions League, Alex led the whole tournament in assists and Fenerbahce didn't even advance very far. I don't know why he doesn't play for Brazil or get interest from big market teams. I guess no one wants an explosive attacking player, teams would rather go after pieces of shit like Fernando Torres. No one should have high hopes for Torres. If he had any potential, then Barcelona would be bidding for him just like anyone else on the Spanish national team that's worth anything.


Besides the lack of inclusion of the Turkish Super Lig, I highly recommend Fifa 12. I have yet to play an online match, I'll probably get to that tonight. I'm just guessing, but I would bet that when I do play online my opponents will choose Barcelona, Chelsea, Manchester United, Manchester City, or Real Madrid to play as. I don't need to explain myself. What I don't know is what team I will play as, there's no more Fenerbahce!


In the upcoming days, hours, months, years, who knows, I do plan on posting some more of my rants on social networking. I've had my edition about statuses sitting around in the draft box for far too long. I'll have to do some final editing and release that bad boy. I'm also planning on releasing some shit about "unfriending" "defriending," what ever you want to call it. I find the whole thing rather comical, so stay tuned for that. Lastly, check out Alex, the guy is insane!

So Many Ways to Draw a Circle

I realize it has been quite some time since I last posted,  but this is for the best reason, I have been particularly busy lately. Now that it's Sunday afternoon and I'm just chilling watching some football, more particularly, some Tom Brady domination, I have some time to blog! Speaking of football, now that the NFL season is in full swing, maybe I'll dedicate a future post to how much I dislike field goals, and believe me, you will hate them too once you've seen my rant. Maybe I can even do a small vlog to go with it, but who knows. In my last post I mentioned the legendary Dr. K and how much I love listening to what he has to say. Well, this past week was no disappointment. I have his class two times per week, and this past Tuesday we spent the entire class watching the episode "The Suitcase" from the show Mad Men and discussing it. We got world class commentary from Dr. K throughout including insight into who on the show is an asshole and about how that episode is one of the greatest episodes of a television show ever. Then on Thursday, I was waiting outside of Dr. K's class, just waiting for him to finish up with the class he has beforehand. So I'm just standing there talking to one of my friends when all of a sudden Dr. K emerges from the classroom carrying his bag and personal belongings. He looks at us, all the students he has in his next class, and just keeps walking. To the best of my knowledge he never came back and just peaced out.

Dr. K strolled out of the building without saying a word to any of us, like a boss. We waited a little while to see if he was coming back, but eventually I figured that he was on his way home while we were standing outside the classroom. So I left. Later on that day I received an e-mail from Dr. K. When I saw it in my inbox I was certain that it was an explanation for whatever had happened earlier. Upon opening the e-mail, I found that I was incorrect. The e-mail was about how he was going to have shoulder surgery on November 17 so he would be missing class that day. That just left me thinking, what about today?! He ditched class and then e-mailed us about how he will be missing class in two months! I love this guy!

Oh yeah! In some other ground breaking news, it looks like the mobile blog is a go since there is finally an app that I can use for my mobile cellular phone! This segment new segment, Mere Minutia, should be up and running in the next few days. Mere Minutia will most likely have shorter blog posts about random things I'm contemplating when not around the computer or taking a crap.

Blog here, why not?

 I am fully aware that all my devoted subscribers were anxiously awaiting the arrival of the mobile blog. What can I say, I'm doing it for the followers. They deserve it for all the time they put into reading my stupid shit. Get it, because they would still just be reading my stupid shit. I also just joined Google+ today. I hate Facebook for approximately everything that people do on it, so let's hope for Google+ domination and make Mark the new Tom. Having looked the Google+ interface for a brief amount of time, it reminds me of Twitter on steroids. I say this because there is no way to "write on your friends' walls." You can do updates, like a status update on Facebook or a tweet on Twitter, and people can comment on them. You can upload photos and videos and supply friends with information about yourself. The best part so far, though, is the "Circles" you can create. You can assign people to circles, which they cannot see or know they are part of, and only share things with people in particular circles if you choose. That's such a great idea. As I mentioned sometime before, I can finally have a group of "Assholes!" I think it has a great chance to be a fun social networking tool since there can be some level of privacy. That's right, screw you Facebook! I really need to stop being such a dickhead and get my latest installment about why Facebook sucks up. I've had the piece on status updates sitting in my drafts for about two months now.

I know I talk a lot of shit about Facebook, and it's all justifiable, but I actually have found good use of it, especially right now. The funny thing is that I believe the only useful feature of Facebook that I use is its message application. It's one of the only things that you can keep private, which is why I use it, and it is basically sending someone an e-mail. Something so revolutionary that I could have done it years before Facebook even existed. I used the messaging function last year when I realized that one of my friends got a new phone number and I wanted it. Now I'm using messages to communicate with my friend who is studying abroad this semester. Besides using Facebook for the mentioned purposes, I can't say that it has really had any value to me personally, so it sucks.

Retentive Gibberish is struggling. It hasn't been updated since I wrote a shitty movie review of "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" which has done absolutely nothing for the blog. I don't think we should give up hope yet, but it does have great potential to turn into another failed project. What wasn't a big failure was this past weekend, alumni weekend. Some good friends of mine came back to school this weekend for alumni/homecoming weekend and it was great! It felt like the old times, and I mean the past two years when I say that. Going out to dinner and spending the nights with them again was a whole lot of fun. There is a lot of cleaning up to do, but I think that is more a result of the people I live with, but either way it was totally worth it and a hell of a time!

First Impressions... again!

Today was the first day of classes for my senior year and I must say, wow, I had a fabulous time. If today was an omen of how this year is going to play out, then I'm all in and can't wait for the ride! Initially I was disappointed because when I got up this morning the sky was gray, it was raining, and it was 57 degrees. I thought it was still supposed to be nice in September. Anyways, I went to class and was entertained. I was most surprised by the auditing class, how the hell can that be fun? Well, it was! The professor was awesome, he has found a way to interact with the class throughout the entire duration without making it feel like a nightmare. He asked us questions that we could reasonably answer, not the typical dick way when professors try to find out who isn't paying attention or who didn't read some piece of shit by a credible source most of us have never heard of. Respect goes a long way with me, and in my estimation, this professor gives it, hopefully this keeps up for the rest of the semester.

Probably better than some classes

I'm also taking a drama course this semester just so I can have Dr. K again. Dr. K is one of my all time favorite people, I say that without hesitation and he did not disappoint me today. As soon as I sat down in class he started rambling about how something was bullshit. I don't even recall what subject he was speaking on, but it was bullshit. This guy is so great that I seriously wish he was related to me, he's definitely old enough to be my grandfather, but I would love to see this guy at family gatherings and on a regular basis. He gave us a syllabus with a schedule of what we will be doing over the semester, but after having this guy twice already in my college career, I highly doubt we'll do what it says because he'll be too busy talking about Genesis I.1.26 and how that line is proof that nothing has ever been read. I've heard this view three times now, but it's interesting each time. What was great about the syllabus was the attendance section which I recreated below for your amusement, compliments of Dr. K:

Attendance: Please attend my classes. I will schedule you as a failure (and have alerted the Dean's Office) if you miss more than three classes. Important: Please remain seated during our 90-minute class--unless, of course, you are called upon to give testimony in Washington, D.C. (N.B. No texting, sexting, laptops or lap dancing. Please.

No lap dancing! Is this guy serious? I guess I understand why he keeps us late after every class now, the class is supposed to be 75 minutes, not 90, but I honestly don't care because all time spent listening to Dr. K is time very well spent. I really enjoy listening to this guy because he speaks his mind and doesn't hold back. He was talking about the creation of man today and made up some dialogue for Adam when he got lonely. He had Adam say something about wanting a woman to have sex with and when God asked him what he wanted the woman to look like, Adam responded that he wanted a serious piece of ass. This class is seriously like a stand up comedy act and I love it.

This should be Dr. K's classroom

On another note, just like Chase I am relying on myself for food this year. While I am still living on campus, I am in a townhouse and have no meal plan anymore. The first three days in the townhouse have been great. It's way better than living in a dorm building and I have a single this year, so we all know what that means (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). However, it has been quite expensive these first few days. Yesterday we got a bunch of groceries and we bought a grill which is absolutely essential. Hamburgers and practically anything cooked on a grill is phenomenal. One funny note from all this buying. We live with a Jew. I could just end the thought right there and it would be funny and understandable, but I will not. We ended up going to buy more food once we bought the grill because we wanted to have some hamburgers and hot dogs after we finished setting up the grill. We went to the self-checkout and as soon as we started running the bar codes over the scanner, the Jew walked away. He walked toward the exit and left my suitemate and I to pay for the food. A nice little anecdote from yesterday. Putting the grill together was way more time consuming that we had imagined, too. We built most of it with the normal annoyances and minor problems, but we hit a larger problem near the end. We couldn't fit the actual part of the grill where all the grilling takes place onto the legs. We managed to sort of force it on, so hopefully that works out without something horrible happening. One of my suitemates said that we'll "(insert racial slur that looks a lot like nagger) rig" it so that it works.

Do I look like I'm paying for food?

I hope that tomorrow's classes are as delightfully entertaining as today's, if that's the case, I think this will be an enjoyable semester. I'm also anxious for track to start up, which it will soon, because I'm very intrigued to experience practice under a new sprints coach. Hopefully that will work out very well, too, but I'm sure it will. I'm excited for the upcoming track seasons because they could very well be my last and I want to perform well. I have the same goal for track as I did when entering senior year of high school: I want to go out with a bang.

I'm starving, so I'm going to make myself some dinner now! No more waiting in line for food at the dining hall. To the kitchen!

Summer Job Chronicles: Good Bye (for now at least)

This past Friday, August, 26 marked my last day of work for the summer. I will probably bid my farewell later this upcoming week when I go in to pick up a check, hooray for money! This is the third time that I have left the movie theater for school, but this time has a very different feel. I'm not sure if I will return to work there ever again because I really hope I find something else upon graduating from college. However, I guess I could work over winter break if I so desired, but who knows what will actually happen.

With all the bizarre stories I have told from my place of employment this summer, I was not disappointed on my penultimate day of work. No big, extraordinary event took place, but my fellow usher and I were patiently waiting for the new Spy Kids movie to finish we noticed something very peculiar when the first person exited the theater. The first guy to come out looked like he was middle-aged and was definitely in the movie all by himself because he exited alone followed by another family who comprised of the entire audience viewing the film. What was strange about the man that exited was not the way he looked nor the way he dressed, but what he was doing when he walked out. When this guy exited the theater, he was in the process of fastening his pants and his belt. All my coworker and I could do was look at each other incredulously. Was this guy killing kittens in the theater? I know Jessica Alba is in the movie, but damn! Really, dude?

We don't really know what this guy was doing, after all, he could have just been adjusting his pants, but I think we know what he was up to. He had to do a quick job before Jessica Alba disappeared from the screen and the other family got up to leave. The guy did get out of the theater awfully quick. I can only imagine what he was thinking when he saw my coworker and while he was buckling up. I could elaborate on this point, but I think it might get too vulgar, and I expect you get the point anyway. We didn't check the theater for any foreign substances either, so any evidence is still out there! I don't think the theaters are cleaned well enough to get rid of that stuff. So that's the story! Very simple, but unique and something I never actually thought I would witness. Although, I have to say, the theater I work at attracts the strangest people. I rarely ever see anyone I actually know going to the movies, at least not where I work. I find that strange, but I can't pick out one particular reason why I rarely see anyone that I would want to speak to. Maybe the movies suck or maybe they know I work there and they don't want to see me. Whatever the reason, I probably don't want to see them anyway.

Can we really blame the guy?

As I was mentioning before, it is strange leaving the theater this year because I'm not sure if I will work there again. I get along very well with all the people that work there, it's just that I believe I'm at the time of my life where I move on. I need to work to find a professional job, but it's strange because I might not see the people I have worked with the past three summers at all. The reason it is strange is because over the past three summers my coworkers are the people I have seen the most, not my friends. But who really cares, after all it's all about how many virtual friends you have! Que social networking rant, not really though, this is not the place where I express my thoughts in that area. I will be releasing more insulting rants on that subject soon though! Sometimes I love social networking because it's so fun to shit on! Honestly, I feel bad about the lack of actual face time I get with my friends. I actually do miss a lot of them, but the lack of effort to ever do anything with me leaves me lackadaisical and apathetic.

I would also like to find another job to oppose the trend at the theater I work at. The place has a way of owning your soul once employed under its roof. People always come back and work there for year after year making lowly minimum wage. Simply, I do not want that. I'm excited to see what this so called "real world" is like. I know people always speak about how they wish they could go back to their days in school. I realize there are things about work that suck, but honestly, who wants to sit in classrooms all their life and be told what to do and what to read? I know what I'm interested in and what I want to do, I don't need people telling me anymore. I'm ready for change and I'm excited for what lies beyond the closed quarters of school.

A good way to look at how the world works

A Misleading Monumental Event

August 10, 2011 marks the 1,000th view of Sycophantic Laughter. That figure would probably make people think that someone, or many people, actually reads this blog. I am happy to clarify the situation and assure you that in fact, almost no one reads this blog. I easily reached this conclusion by consulting the statistics page for Sycophantic Laughter, particularly studying the traffic sources. The traffic sources suggest that the vast majority of views come from referring URLs that are almost exclusively images. I use many images in posts for entertainment value and to create an image for my stupid stories and point of view. Basically, Sycophantic Laughter is stumbled upon, thus racking up page views from people who could give a shit what I wrote, because they looked at an image I used in a post. That's fine with me though, one day someone might get accidental entertainment when they stumble upon this blog.

And now for something completely different (how I miss you, Monty Python's Flying Circus). My Grandmother and cousin have been coming over the past few Wednesdays to do crafty things with my mom, who knows what they're really up to. Every time I go to collect the mail, I always, without fail, find myself amazed at how far away from the curb my Grandmother parks. Good thing we live on a rarely traveled street or else your car is getting swiped, Grandma! It's just one of those little things that I enjoy in life, little things that are comical no matter how many times you see it, like when a homeless person asks for change (I already know that I'm a horrible person). Elderly people are great because they are constantly, unintentionally funny.

Notice the car in the background

I have recently been contemplating starting another blog as an "on the go" counterpart to Sycophantic Laughter. This would be a mobile blog which I would update with thoughts and pictures of things I see during the day when I'm not around a computer. I'm not sure if I'm actually going to do this, but I'll probably do some experimentation in the near future to see if it's even worth doing. The thought of typing up blog posts on a phone doesn't sound very appealing to me honestly, but who said the posts have to be long? So there's a chance of this happening. Do I sound like a weatherman?

Blogger on Blogger!

Wow, I started this post about two weeks ago and now here I am finishing it! A whole lot of nothing has been happening recently. The camping trip I was going to go on with a bunch of friends was cancelled on account of shitty weather and I've just been working all week since. Nothing out of the ordinary has been happening at work either, just The Help getting out half an hour after every other movie causing me to be at work until almost one in the morning. The Help has probably been the most popular movie we have had lately. I wonder why, though. I guess if you make a movie or write a book about how hard black people had it or the holocaust or something of that nature, it's instant gold. If you don't like it, you must be a shitfuck. I think someone should make a movie or write a book about how the education system in this country screws everyone out of tons of money.




Speaking of education, it's almost time for me to go back to school. I move in a week from this upcoming Sunday. I don't know what to expect from this school year, last year was a collection of the most miserable classes I've had to take, so I hope that doesn't repeat. I always have mixed feelings at this time of the summer, it's the time when everyone starts to leave for school again. Most of my friends move in a few days before me and I know I won't see them for an extended period of time. At this point though, entering senior year of college, I don't really care anymore because I don't see many different people during the summer anyways. As I get older I find it increasingly harder each year to get people to do things. Oh well.

On a side note, I'm probably not going to do the whole mobile blog thing. I have thought about it since I began penning this post, and by thinking about it I mean not having thought about it at all, and that is why I will most likely not do mobile blogging. I don't see a reason to do it and it would probably just be a pain in the assholes. So basically I have nothing else to report. The end of the summer has been exactly what I expected it to be: a time of reflection upon all the nothingness I have accomplished over the past few months. I would also like to go back to the beginning of the summer and point out that I was right.

Drama on ebay!

I don't need to go out and pay for entertainment when I can comfortably experience it in the comfort of my own home. I could not have possibly scripted a better sequence of events than what actually happened during my first attempt to sell an item online. After the close of the spring 2011 semester, I still have a few books from classes I took during the year. I usually use Chegg to rent textbooks because it is so much cheaper than buying them. If you don't use Chegg or have never heard of it, I strongly recommend checking it out because it can save you a good amount of money. Chegg also plants trees for you if you rent from them! Enough of my plug for Chegg, let's get back to the story. I could not find a couple of books I needed on Chegg, unfortunately. So I took it up the ass and bought them from wherever I could find them the cheapest, which is still more than I would ever want to pay.

One of the books I had left over was a corporate tax book dated the 2011 edition. I figured this one would still be worth some money as long as I sold it quickly. We all know that those bastards in the textbook industry like to release new editions yearly, or as frequently as possible to keep students buying them because they have no other choice. What's the difference in each edition? Who knows, they must change a sentence or two and make the numbers in each problem slightly different, but other than that, I don't think the actual material is changing often enough to warrant the frequent release of newer editions.

So I decided to try to sell the corporate tax book on ebay for way less than I bought it for just earlier this year. The edition of this book that I had was loose-leaf, meaning that it is not bound. Loose-leaf implies that there is no cover. Loose-leaf means that you get all the pages of the book. Now let us take a moment to review what the difference between a loose-leaf book and a book is. A book is a bunch of pieces of paper bound together with a cover, whereas a loose-leaf book is only the pieces of paper that the book is comprised of, without having a cover of any kind. Now we have clarification that there is no difference in the material of a book and a loose-leaf book, just the absence of a cover and binding. In fact, you can put only the chapters that you are currently using into a binder when using the loose-leaf format so you don't have to lug around the entire book! I think this clarification is important to the story, so we can continue now.

Facts are so much fun!

Brand new, this book sold for I believe somewhere between $200 and $300, but probably closer to the $300 figure. I don't remember exactly how much I paid for it, but I was only trying to sell it for $50. I chose $50 because the book had already had at least two owners, I don't have the software that it comes with (but  I don't think most courses even use that piece of crap anyways), and the 2012 edition is probably coming out very soon. I thought, and still think that this price is extremely cheap and reasonable. Also, I would like to add that in the description of the item I noted that the book was loose-leaf, and we all know what that means right? Once I had the description taken care of I put the book up for sale and didn't really think much of it.

After a few days I actually forgot that I had even put the book up for sale. Good thing when you have an account on any website it is linked to your e-mail or else I probably wouldn't have even noticed that someone purchased the book. The person who bought it had also sent me a message about how he (I'm certain this customer is a male due to the way he wrote his messages, you'll see what I mean quite soon) was a little concerned about the purchase because he noticed that I was a first time seller. I understand this completely and assured him that I would in fact be sending him the corporate tax book. I actually sent the book out the day right after he bought it, but during the week he continually sent me e-mails asking about when the book was going to arrive and other questions. Honestly it was getting kind of annoying, but it was quite worth it when I got a message from him when the book arrived.

I had just got home from a delightful game of friz with some local friends, had eaten dinner, showered, and was ready to relax for the rest of the night. Casually I went on my computer and checked my e-mail and I pleasantly found out that the item had made it to the buyer:

Dear me,

Are you shitting me? What did you send me? Papers wrapped in saran wrap.... Hell NO... I bought a book, not some pieces of paper... 100% FULL REFUND....NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You have got to be kidding... Not doing too well for your first sale. How embarassing, I would never even think about selling something like this? Didn't you think you were ripping me off charging $51? You have 3 hours to get back to me.

-angry ebay customer

Click "respond" to reply through Messages, or go to your email to reply


Simply, my night was complete. I gained a lot of knowledge from this message. I was unaware that a book was not made out of pieces of paper. I guess all he really wanted was the cover, shame on me. I still can't figure out why he gave me a three hour time limit. What the hell was he going to do if I responded in four hours? I'm not sure what he means when he says "I would never even think about selling something like this?" There's not supposed to be a question mark there either, but let us attempt to figure out what he means by "something like this." Did he expect loose-leaf to not be a bunch of papers? Also, $51 for a textbook is a bargain, I wish I got all my books for that price. I decided not to be a dick, though, and responded kindly to the disgruntled buyer. The piece of shit can have a refund if he wants, but he could have been nicer about it. He did tell me soon afterwards that he admits to "blowing his lid" and that he is actually considering taking the item as it is. So, at this point in time I don't really know what is going to happen, I might get the book back, or he might keep it.

I imagine this is what he looked like while typing the message, very satisfying

Given the situation, I wonder what this guy is like in real life. Obviously I don't know this guy, it's not like he's one of my "friends" on Facebook or anything so I have no idea what kind of personality he has. That message he sent me was full of rage and anger, but I'm not sure he would have said anything like that to my face. Well, I can only speculate, but I find it funny to picture some fat piece of shit that has no friends venting his frustration into items he bought on ebay. I also find it amusing to picture this guy yelling the words of that angry message in my face.

I don't know if I'll ever attempt to sell an item online again, but this particular experience was priceless and memorable to the point that I will probably never forget it. Thank you for the memory, ebay.

You're Addictied to Facebook if You Have "Liking" Syndrome

Before work today, well I guess it was technically yesterday now. Oh Ford! I need to stop blogging so late all the time, but I'm stupid so I'm going to do it anyways. I think I write best at late hours, after I've endured the day and I'm alone with all my thoughts that have been running through my head all day long. Back to the point of this post, though. Before I went into work today I made the absolutely, inexcusable, boneheaded decision to check Facebook. That statement alone lets you know I was instapissed (I'm claiming ownership of this word because it happens to me all the time, and for those too stupid to understand, it stands for instantly pissed). I fuck**g hate Facebook like nothing else, there is no metaphor or simile that compares for my hatred of Facebook. The one good thing about Facebook is that it gives me a topic to complain and rant about practically endlessly. I am also currently in the process of a Facebook series for Sycophantic Laughter about Facebook addicts. Even though I have already started this series, I have not published any of the posts yet, and this has big potential to be the first of many. I know you're all going to LIKE this series, so throw your emotions away or I'm rather sure you could be offended. If you know me, then I'm sorry because you might recognize something stupid you did on Facebook mentioned because you guys are the reason I hate it, you assholes.

This particular installment is about "liking" on Facebook. If you didn't know that, Ford save you, it's right in the title, but I guess that's not a status, so you probably don't give a shit. So for the third time, before work today (technically yesterday now) I decided to torture myself. I logged onto Facebook and the result: instapissed. I cannot stand when people "like" things on Facebook. I kind of understand if you "like" a business (such as Apple) or an athlete or restaurant, something of that nature because that's at least somewhat related to who you are. Your friends probably know what celebrities you are a fan of and what restaurants you like to eat at, therefore I find this type of "liking" somewhat acceptable, but I still don't give a shit. If you were really my friend, there's a good chance I would already know that, or if I wanted to know, I would ask. What really pisses me off is when people "like" statuses or photos, things like that. Mostly it irks me when people "like" statuses, but I'll get into that shortly. First, why do I dislike "liking" so much? Maybe because it doesn't mean shit. Think about it, what does it mean? All I can really think of is that "liking" something is equivalent to saying "I saw that." "Liking" things is completely useless and it pisses me off. It's like people have this voice in their head saying "I HAVE TO "LIKE" THIS STATUS NOW!!" I understand that you can't help it, but that doesn't make me any less pissed off.

So when I logged on for some torture, I found myself clicking on my "friends" profiles in an attempt to see what they have been up to recently. I do this because I rarely ever see anyone in real life anymore, fuck you Facebook! I hate it when people tell you they're busy and then you see them active on Facebook during that time. I see how it is, you're busy with Facebook, you piece of shit! I understand that Social Interview and "liking" people's dumb ass statuses is fun, but come on, remember when you used to speak with me face to face? Anyways, in my vain effort to see how my "friends" are fairing these days, I came across the page belonging to someone who I used to see quite regularly in high school, but not much anymore. He had some status about a friend of his and of course it had some "likes." This doesn't sound like anything major, and it isn't, but it pisses me off. I don't want to know things because Facebook told me, that's stupid. And the "likes," what the hell do they mean, "hey, I saw this." "Likes" are so pointless and annoying, I don't give a shit if you "like" someone's status, good for you. Why don't you try reading something of substance, like a book? Would you read a book if it was hundreds of pages of statuses? Don't lie, you know you would.

I can't say the same for my "friends"

I'm not only blaming the "liker" of the status, they couldn't do their part without the asshole who posted the status update. Statuses could possibly be the thing I hate most on Facebook, and that's saying something considering my hatred for all that is Facebook. Anyone who posts a status update is a whore for attention. I don't see anyone anymore because they're all too busy "liking" each others stupid, pointless statuses. That brings me to another point. Sometimes, and when I say sometimes, I mean all the fucking time, people like to post unhappy statuses. Of course, just like any other status, people "like" it. Then that stupid piece of shit comments on their own status something like "why would you "like" that." Who gives a shit why they would "like" it, they're probably just being an asshole, but who's really the asshole. You, the status updater, are the asshole! YOU decided to post the unhappy status, you deserve it. Maybe next time you'll keep that shit to yourself. Oh yeah, a side note to women: when you get tons of "likes" on statuses, it is absolutely not because guys think you're funny or clever, or agree with what you say, they think you're hot and want to get with you. How many "likes" do you see ugly girls getting from guys? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Holy shit, I really hate Facebook. I hope Google+ rakes Facebook over coals. One feature I already LIKE about Google+ is something called "circles." You can divide your "friends" into different circles and share things with only people in certain circles. That is such a great idea, and you can bet I'm going to have a HUMONGOUS circle called "Assholes." Maybe you'll be able to "like" my circle, I bet you'd LIKE that. I'm trying my hardest, but I still cannot think of a good reason to "like" things, especially statuses. "Liking" statuses irks me to no end. I hope Mark Zuckerberg knows how many people he has successfully tortured and makes miserable everyday, you asshole! You know what else pisses me off about "liking?" Ever since "liking" became part of Facebook people have petitioned for a "dislike" button. What a bunch of morons, let's make the "liking" shit even deeper! I can't help but laugh every time I see someone comment on something with "dislike." HAHAHAHAH that's so clever! Commenting "dislike" definitely isn't an extremely overused, not to mention absolutely not funny, response. Someone get these people to start performing stand-up, I think I'm going to shit myself if they keep going.

This guy kiddin'?

I should expose my thoughts to my "friends" by posting this on Facebook, maybe I could get a few "likes!" I would like to thank my anonymous "friends" that brought back my fury after a long spell of peace. You know who you are, or do you? I also realize that this might be offensive to some, but I don't give a shit because I'm never going to see you anyways, that's right, go back to "liking" statuses, you attention whore. You'll get no attention from me, I can thankfully say that I have never once "liked" any of my "friend's" statuses or photos or any of their shit. I'm done for now, but I'll be insulting my "friends" again sometime soon with the next installment of Facebook addicts!