Good Friday!

I've decided upon proactive action instead of procrastination, which I usually choose, but alas, my dreams of creating a new, and most likely boring, segment for the critically acclaimed blog I have created that barely anyone reads begins to flow from my most creative fingertips through to your brain. I cannot promise the frequency of updates for this new segment, "Good Friday," but I can promise that it is very real, in a legal and binding way. Fridays, better than good in my estimation, reign high among the other days of the week since it marks the end of the work week. However, I will not name the segment "Great Friday" because that name does not sound like the Friday that Christians have named "Good Friday," a day which has the power to make meat forbidden. What a bunch of loonies if you ask me. Go ahead, eat your meat laddies, and read Sycophantic Laughter to support a strange f**k!

Honestly I have yet to put in much thought for "Good Friday," but I do think that I will keep tabs of things that bother me, no matter how much or how little. I don't feel like bullshitting you, so let's dive right in. Most things I have found bothersome lately revolve around work. My "work," or as I like to call it, "the somewhat degrading shit that I'm asked to do," forces me to notice all the little things that bother me. Why? Simply because I'm rather certain I could perform most of my tasks even if I were brain dead. I've been attempting to get estimates for fixing some damage that has been sustained by one of our trucks, but apparently I'd have better luck talking Satan into letting me out of hell when I die. One of the collision repair people I was speaking with on the phone sounded very nice and pleasant. Now that we have been communicating via email, I must say I cannot stand the way this woman converses via electronic mail. All the emails she sends me are one to three sentences and always end with like seventeen question marks. Is that necessary??????????????? Lady, I get it, you have a question. One question mark would suffice. This did not happen in one email, but each and every one that this woman sent me. I know it's f**king stupid, but it bothers me.

With the recent sale of the company that I work with to one that is 3,000 miles away, I've also felt like my role has been reduced to that of the copy room worker in the high school. I make copies of things and then scan them. Given my extensive use of the copy/scanning machine, that thing bothers me, too. Sometimes I have to scan like 1,923,329,854,387,493 documents and of course they are not all the size of normal paper. So instead of just feeding them through the top of the machine so it can do all the work itself, I have to put each one in one at a time. Put the paper in, shut the lid, pres the scan/copy button, take the paper out, don't mix up the paper so shit gets f**ked, and then repeat another 12,439,476,809,914 times. I find myself hating staples because they make my life harder and you don't even want to know how many paper clips I've put through intense labor. And I thought Mexicans got paid shit for the work they performed. Also, remember, I'm not racist, I'm funny. But, yeah, some companies use the strangest size paper for invoices/statements that I have to keep rotating pages and practically make a puzzle to fit the damn things on the correct part of the screen. Damn, I need a new job.

I'm also deeply unsettled by the thought that every time we need something in the office people come tell me about it. I don't want to be an "office manager." I did not go to college, and graduate, so I could order shit from Office Depot. I could have done that when I was eight. F**k my asshole. And don't even get me started on the number of piles of paper I have building up everywhere in my office. Good Joe, my office, inundated with paper, makes it hard for me to find space to actually do anything. I understand why so many companies want to go paperless, I wouldn't even be surprised if the real reason had nothing to do with saving the environment by saving paper, but rather to keep from creating mile high piles of paper. Whenever I need anything I have to go looking through the various piles I have on my desk. Wrong pile, wrong pile, wrong pile, oh here it is!

At least it is Friday though! I'm done bitching about work for now. Basically I want/need a new job as soon as possible. I'm not cut out for this type of job, I need something more stimulating with room for growth and advancement. Hopefully one day. Instead I will turn my attention over to a little social experiment I inadvertently started the other day. I noticed sometime this past Tuesday that I had not sent or received a text message for a while. I looked back in my text log and my last text conversation was from Sunday night. So I decided to see how long I could go without texting anyone or getting a text from anyone. I made it all the way until Wednesday afternoon. I went from sometime Sunday night to sometime Wednesday afternoon without a single text sent or received. I am fairly certain that is my longest stretch in quite some time. I felt like I was back in the nineties or early 2000s when I had to call my friends, or just not speak to them at all. Two plus days with texting though, I don't think most people my age could do that. Go ahead, give it a shot. Speaking of texting, what's up with people not responding to texts? Notice I used one question mark there. Actually, let me clarify. I understand not getting a text back if I send out a general message or something that is not a question. However, if I text a question I expect a response, even if the response is "f**k off asshole." That's a valid response. Sometimes I text my friends a question and they don't respond. What the f**k is that? I think that's like asking someone face-to-face a question and them just blatantly ignoring them. I've never asked anyone to go on a suicide bombing mission or suck my d or anything like that. Tell me to f**k off if you don't want to talk to me, I'm down with that.

Another note on texting, for those who have iPhones at least. I've noticed that iPhones grant users to turn on this setting that allows people who have sent you texts to see that the text they have sent you has been read. I  would never turn that setting on. What if I was ignoring someone? I would read their text and I wouldn't want them to know about it. I'm waiting for that moment when I ask someone a question in a text message, see they have read it, and not get a response. I can't understand why anyone would want that function on, but there sure as hell are people who use it. I guess iMessage already tells you when a message is delivered to other iMessage users, so you can already tell when some people are ignoring you anyway. So why not go one step further and let them know that you've read it and you still don't give a shit. You know what, burning bridges actually brings up a lot things that I never would have thought of before, so maybe I should be glad that this happens. Though I do find it quite strange because there a few people I used to have very good friendships with that have become very flaky, for lack of a better term. Dodgy or no response to text messages, hanging out with a completely different crowd and simply not really being my friend anymore. What can I really expect, though. I've graduated from high school, I've graduated from college, I should expect I would meet a decent amount of fickle people in my time. How the hell did I get here from discussing texting?

In other news, I think I'm finally going to tackle it. What is it? Hardcore mode on Dead Space 2! Dead Space and Dead Space 2 are two of my favorite video games of all time and I think I want to attempt beating Dead Space 2 on Hardcore mode! What is hardcore mode? Well, hardcore mode is a difficulty setting in Dead Space 2 that grants the player 0 checkpoints and only 3 f**king saves! You die and you go back to your last save, or the beginning of the game if you haven't saved yet. How excruciatingly daunting and cruel! Can I also add that the marketing campaign for Dead Space 2 was fantastic. I loved the trailer with Smashing Pumpkins' "Bullet with Butterfly Wings!" So good! Watch it below!




Who knows if I'll ever actually complete the task, but I know that the reward for doing so, the hand cannon, is so worth it! So I'm sure as hell going to try! I don't know why I enjoy the Dead Space series so much, but I do know that I like f**ked up stuff, and if there is one thing that is certain, Dead Space is f**ked up. I like things that are f**ked up in two different senses. There's Dead Space f**ked up where mauled people for some reason amuses me, and then there's f**ked up in the sense of making fun of people to the extent where it's considered f**ked up. Those are the senses of the phrase that tend to interest me. Dismembering necromorphs and then killing them with their own body parts is just amazingly fun!

Happy Friday everyone and have a great weekend! Be champions, my friends.

The Things I Say: Video Game Edition

Recently I have not played video games much with other far less important things taking over my life, mainly work. However, I have been playing console video games since I got the original Xbox back in sixth grade and the memories of gaming have certainly stacked up since then. My fondest video game memories mostly revolve around me getting pissed and swearing and wetting myself into a fit of rage over something that has no real impact on my life or anything in reality. No matter how mad I get or how many f-bombs I drop, I still come back for more. I don't know what it is about video games, but they sure piss me off. I think video games piss me off because I play them to have fun, but I don't like losing or dying. I find it extremely difficult to find the medium between winning and losing in video games. I also think that's why I enjoy them so much. As I mentioned, I don't play video games as much as I used to and as a result I haven't gone on a hell-bent rampage over a video game in quite some time. That's probably good news for my blood pressure, but I also think it is healthy to let of some steam every once in a while.

When I did spend a decently good portion of free time playing video games, the things I remember most usually revolve around me getting pissed. I have come to notice that when I get pissed at video games I tend to use select phrases to describe how I'm feeling. What I notice is that most of the expressions/phrases I use could be stuck straight into a porno, gay or straight. I have no idea why, but I'm going to share these expressions/phrases with you and describe the situations that I use them in. I whole-heartily hope you enjoy reading about my misery, because I sure as hell know I'm going to enjoy writing it.

The list and description of these horrible things I say, but mostly yell, at video games is in no particular order. Some I use more often than others, some are really offensive, I've uttered all of them multiple times, and nobody should take them seriously at all. Actually you can if you'd like, I don't really mind. I will start with one of my, if not most controversial, than certainly high ranking on the controversy list, angry video game outbursts:

This is worse than having cancer!

I'm behind the curve and below average social status (I might dedicate a post to this at some point) so it makes sense that I did not join the ranks of next-gen gamers until I was a sophomore in college when I finally purchased and Xbox 360. I got it just in time to go back to school for second semester and it was totally worth buying. My Xbox 360 was the third in our suite and now we could play Halo 3 and include everyone we lived with! Yes, it was amazingly fun, and yes, we played way more Halo 3 than we should have, but damn it was fun! This was also my first taste of playing online multiplayer games online since I played Red Faction online back in eighth grade on a computer. We played so much Halo 3 online that of course there were many, many moments that pissed me off immensely. When things weren't going my way and I was getting my ass kicked badly, for some reason I started saying "this is worse than having cancer!" I have no idea why I started saying that, but I did. That phrase was kind of a joke in itself because obviously no video game torture is worse than cancer. Or is it? That's up to you to decide.

I would typically start uttering this simply awful phrase when other shitf**ks online would start camping near elevator exits with the sword, when I would empty an entire assault rifle clip into someone just to have them continue prancing toward me and blowing my brains out with one shot from a shotgun while I was reloading, when I continuously got run over a vehicle, or when the map Valhalla was selected in matchmaking. I still hate that map to this day despite not playing Halo 3 since who the hell knows when.

Halo 3 will always have a special place with me because of the fond memories I have playing it with a such a great group of people. Well, most of them were great #insidejoke. Who was that person we said perfectly fit the term assclown? #insidejokeagain Halo 3 is also the only game that I have ever uttered the phrase "this is worse than having cancer," and I have never stopped myself from doing so in another video game. The thought of saying that has just never crossed my mind except when playing Halo 3. That means that Halo 3 pissed me off to levels before unknown to me that I have been unable to reach since then. I don't know if I'll ever play Halo 3 again, but I sure as hell will never forget it. Damn, I hated Valhalla so much. How great was the Spartan Laser, though? Really enjoyed that gun.

One last note about Halo 3 and how it will forever live on in my memory. Just to add on to the Halo 3 legacy, this one time when we were playing a game online we saw this guy on the other team with the gamertag Benedict Arnold. By the way, one of the best things about playing games online is seeing other people's gamertags. So anyway, there's this guy on the opposing team with the gamertag Benedict Arnold and he starts killing the other players on his team. So on the kill feed at the bottom of the screen I kept seeing Benedict Arnold betrayed so-and-so, Benedict Arnold betrayed so-and-so, Benedict Arnold betrayed so-and-so, until his teammates finally kicked him from the game! I need say no more, that was a classic moment in my video game history and another instance of Halo 3 that I will not forget.

And by the way, I did get Halo 4 and it is amazing! I am really enjoying the first Halo not made by Bungie. Congratulations 343 Studios, you did a great job, at least as far as I can tell right now. I have heard that there is a remake of the map Valhalla though I have not played it yet. But I have really enjoyed the online multiplayer gameplay, the Promethean weaponry is crazy! I'm nicknaming all the Promethean weapons the "raper" since that is exactly what they do to opposing players! And yes, it is amazing!

Constant Ass-rape

If you have been reading my blog for a decent amount of time, then you probably already have heard me refer to "constant ass-rape." I mainly use this combination of words when describing how I feel playing Fifa. Now let me first say that I have not felt the constant ass-rape nearly as painstaking in Fifa 13 as I have in Fifas 10-12. In Fifa 10-12 I always felt that when I had possession the computer operated team was relentlessly on a hellbent rampage after the ball carrier and constantly raping my players to win possession back. The player or position of the player did not matter, hell, I think the computer's attackers were far superior at stealing the ball from me than my defenders were at stealing the ball from them. My defenders felt like the imperial storm troopers. They were there, but they didn't do their job very well.

When I would play Fifa 10-12 I would constantly bitch and moan about how my players were always getting raped and barely ever received a foul for putting up with any of it. While Fifa 13 has certainly made defense better and my players are not always getting molested whenever in possession, I still very, very rarely get a foul call. I think all the referees in the game are racist against me.

Mainly I use "constant ass-rape" in reference to Fifa, but sometimes it's a good way to describe Call of Duty. I've been in some absolute f**k fests in Call of Duty. The games where I keep dying multiple times in a row because there is practically unlimited enemy air support lighting up the ground beneath it with heavy duty artillery really pisses me off. These situations I also call a constant ass-rape just because I can't f**king do anything. I die, respawn, get killed by some asshole using a f**king flying killing machine that is basically the harbinger of death, respawn, get killed by the harbinger of death again, and the cycle continues until the game decides that enough time has passed and the harbinger of death has to go away. The only problem is that it comes back. I trust that you are intelligent enough to know what happens when it comes back. But if not, a constant ass-rape.

Fu**ing F*gs

I yell/say this phrase in many volumes, tones, and levels of anger. First I would like to point out my use of the word f*g. I will always pen this word f*g in this blog because I'm an asshole, but I say it not in an offense way to people who swing the other way, you know, the crooked folk. I'm not a homophobe or anything, homosexual people do not bother me. I use the word f*g to describe those I do not like for an infinite amount of reasons. For video game purposes, a f*g is anyone who kills me in an online multiplayer game. I don't care if the person is better than me, if he or she started shooting me way before I shot at them, or any reason whatsoever, if they kill me, then they are a f*g. There is no reasoning with me, you'll just have to accept it. I hate dying in video games and they made me die, the f*gs. The same goes for anyone who scores a goal on me in Fifa, they are a f*g. Of course this only pertains to the unknown people I play online, occasionally a friend might score a goal on me or kill me, but they really have to piss me off in some way to make me give them the label. Whenever someone kills me or scores on me that I do not know, which is most of the time, I always tend to think of some fat kid with an increasingly expanding gut who is guzzling soda while downing Doritos and spends about 16 hours each day gaming. Damn, f*gs.

I'm Getting My Asshole Plowed!

When I'm getting absolute peppered by enemy opposition I describe this as "getting my asshole plowed." I think I adopted this phrase for this situation because of the endless penetration from seemingly each and every angle. This could be in an online game such as Halo or Call of Duty, or in the actual campaign of a game such as Borderlands. The enemies' relentless blasting can sometimes become unbearable, but without the struggle how can there be any fun? Of course there are instances in games such as the Dead Space series where you might actually get your asshole plowed by a necromorph that sneaks up behind you and cornholes you. So if you ever find yourself in my vicinity and here me talking about getting my asshole plowed, I can assure you there is no gay sex going on, I'm just getting peppered or cornholed in a video game. By the way, the word cornhole needs to come back, it's a great word.

I'm coming for your butt hole!

Another spin of this phrase is "this guy is raking my butt hole!" I say this when there's that one f**ker who keeps killing me over, and over, and over again. This makes me so mad! I'm not quite sure why I use the word "rake," but for some reason I like that word. I also prefer the phrase "rake over the coals" as opposed to "throw under the bus." Maybe it's because more people refer to getting "thrown under the bus" by people who rat them out or something. I prefer "so-and-so raked me over the coals." I guess I just find it more original, though it means essentially the same thing. I like the imagery, too. Getting thrown over hot coals sounds like a very slow and painful means of torture while the train would probably end you almost instantly, in most cases I would think at least.

Get F**ked!

I tend to yell "get f**ked" when I get excited because I'm going on a mini rampage in an online multiplayer game or I finally killed that f**ker who has been plowing and or raking my asshole! I use the word "mini" to describe any kind of rampage I go on in an online multiplayer game because I suck and what I think is raping the other team is nothing to those people who play 16 hours each day. I would also like to point out how great the word "rape" is in video gaming. If anyone is wondering why people say they are getting raped or are raping in video games, I think it's because no one likes to get raped. No one likes to get dominated in a video game either, therefore he or she is getting raped. On the other hand, the person enjoying it is the enjoying it, thus they are the raper. They are bringing the pain. I realize this sounds horrible, but it's the best explanation I can come up with. Anyways, when I'm killing people online I like to say or shout "get f**ked!" I know that Chase can attest to this given our conversations over Xbox Live. This is one of my favorite video game sayings because it means I have gone and done good!

I had written a few other phrases down, but I'm going to end this here. I hope you have gained some insight into why I say or yell things at my television set whilst playing video games. I'm not crazy or really angry for that matter, it's a temporary feeling of rage and nothing to worry about. Sure I've made some holes in walls over the years, but that's about it. I've only hurt myself in minor ways. Finding that medium between a challenge and fun is very difficult. It's like medicine, it's not a science. Thank you, Dr. Spaceman.

I'm considering doing a series about the things that I say in given situations under certain constraints and what not. This is the first, and possibly last, installment of the series! I'm also thinking of taking up Chase's idea in starting another series entitled "Good Friday." I wrote a post back in 2011 about Good Friday, the Christian thing, when I was in the dining hall at school and some crazy girl in front of me told her friend on chicken nugget Friday that if she ate any meat she would go to hell. Chase told me it would be funny if I had tagged it "Good Friday" and it had nothing to do with the holiday, but rather it was a series of posts with that title. I like that idea, so maybe I'll do a Good Friday series where I will discuss who knows what. So many possibilities and just one piece of crap to make it all happen.

I wish all my readers the best! I don't know where I would be without all of you. Get it? Because barely anyone reads this. The explain the joke joke! It's hilarious! And as always, be champions.